start with me

Earlier this week, my oldest son was pouring himself a glass of apple juice. The fact that he pours himself ANYTHING is a magnificent event in my home, as he is one of only two who can get his own drink! A definite reason to celebrate! He has done this many times before, but I marvel at it each time. As I was watching him, he glanced up at me and flashed me a big grin. He loves to please me, and he knows his self-sufficience does. His shift in focus caused him to miss th glass and pour the juice all over the kitchen counter. It proceeded to spread quickly across the surface, over the edge and began spilling over the cabinets and onto the tile floor. I flipped OUT! I completely lost it. I can't even remember exactly what it was that I shouted at him, but it reduced him immediately to tears and he ran to his room sobbing. I angrily began to clean up the mess, muttering about how I have to everything around here and cursing about things not ever staying clean for longer than five minutes (I had mopped the floor only half an hour prior). I could hear myself...but had not idea who it was talking. I can't even call it talking...it was really a bunch of inaudible phrases coming out as spit. Before I was finished cleaning up the mess, I was in tears. I was so ashamed of the way I had reacted toward my sweet kid. It was an accident, and he was loving on me in that moment it happened. How could I have hurt him so?

This incident perpetuated a lot of soul searching. It isn't an uncommon occurrence lately. I am agitated easily and my unsuspecting offspring are usually on the receiving end of the rampage. After I had calmed down and prayed to my Jesus who oh so undeservedly forgives me, I found my hurting boy and wrapped him in the biggest hug I could give him. I made no excuses...there were none anyway. I'm sorry, I told him. He looked up at me after a couple of minutes. His eyes were still tear-filled, and it broke me. I will always forgive you, mom. I love you. Again with the undeserving forgiveness. His hug squished the breath out of me it was so tight. Who am I that I deserve this love?

I am a mommy. God made ME a mommy. He blessed me with five wonderfully made kiddos...He wants ME to teach them, to nurture them, to love them. But I don't know how, I often find myself telling him. His reply is always the same. I know, but I do. So, there it is. When my younglings are pushing me to the limit, it isn't THEM. It is me. It is my heart that shows true...all my impatience, my selfishness. That is what I teach them when I do not act as He has called me to act.

Lord, may I shine your light into the hearts of my children. May their paths be blessed because you trusted me to lead the way.