the drive home

Each week, I have two days where I am alone in my car for an hour and fifteen minutes. In mommy time, this is an eternity! Of course, you can't do much besides drive and think. 45 minutes of the drive is made TO school at the OSU-OKC campus. Typically, just before the drive, I have been scurrying around the house getting things in order for Chris or the babysitter, whomever will be caring for the little people when I leave. I am usually frazzled by the time I get into the car. I am worried about whether or not I will have a quiz over the periodic table or metric conversions (flash card images run through my mind)...and whether or not I will make it to class on time. I worry about the kids, and what terror they might inflict upon the sitter. I worry about Chris and if he will be in the frame of mind to handle dinner, bath and bedtime alone.

Then I hit traffic, and I become even more frazzled. I typically have the radio blaring to drown out my goofy thoughts, but once I hit traffic, I am forced to turn it down or completely off. I can't concentrate otherwise. I am the only one in the car, and even with the radio off, it is difficult for me to "hear". I continue on, the traffic only becoming heavier as I reach my destination (it is at it's thickest right at the school).

I curse at other drivers.

Merge already!

Feel free to use a turn signal!

Of course, this is all done in my mind for fear that if I do it out loud, one of them might hear me and try to run me off the road. right. It sounds so much less lame in my brain.

As I sink into my seat in class, I am worn out.

I make it through class and do well at what I feared I wouldn't. I am getting this stuff. I leave feeling triumphant. The last couple of class sessions, the weather has been so pleasant, so I walk slowly to my car while enjoying the hint of fall weather all around. Sometimes, I am lucky enough to enjoy stimulating conversation with a classmate along the way.

I start the car and pause for a few moments before pulling out of my parking space. The radio is off from the drive before, but there is no other noise this time. It is quiet. My thoughts are no longer screaming through my head. I realize that there is peace all around me, and I can finally "hear." There is only the sound of my engine revving as I accelerate or the thud of my brake pedal as I press it down to the floor. The entire drive home is this way. It is only 30 minutes or so, but it is the sweetest part of my day. I spend the entire drive lost in sweet conversation with my Jesus. I actually hear him, and I am so free in listening. It's like chatting with an old friend...I can tell him anything, and he understands.

It was just tonight that I realized this pattern I have created, and it completely signifies the rhythm of my life. When I try to be in control, I am frazzled and worried. When I let go, true peace sinks into me, and I can truly be with my God the way he intends for me to be.