start with me

Earlier this week, my oldest son was pouring himself a glass of apple juice. The fact that he pours himself ANYTHING is a magnificent event in my home, as he is one of only two who can get his own drink! A definite reason to celebrate! He has done this many times before, but I marvel at it each time. As I was watching him, he glanced up at me and flashed me a big grin. He loves to please me, and he knows his self-sufficience does. His shift in focus caused him to miss th glass and pour the juice all over the kitchen counter. It proceeded to spread quickly across the surface, over the edge and began spilling over the cabinets and onto the tile floor. I flipped OUT! I completely lost it. I can't even remember exactly what it was that I shouted at him, but it reduced him immediately to tears and he ran to his room sobbing. I angrily began to clean up the mess, muttering about how I have to everything around here and cursing about things not ever staying clean for longer than five minutes (I had mopped the floor only half an hour prior). I could hear myself...but had not idea who it was talking. I can't even call it talking...it was really a bunch of inaudible phrases coming out as spit. Before I was finished cleaning up the mess, I was in tears. I was so ashamed of the way I had reacted toward my sweet kid. It was an accident, and he was loving on me in that moment it happened. How could I have hurt him so?

This incident perpetuated a lot of soul searching. It isn't an uncommon occurrence lately. I am agitated easily and my unsuspecting offspring are usually on the receiving end of the rampage. After I had calmed down and prayed to my Jesus who oh so undeservedly forgives me, I found my hurting boy and wrapped him in the biggest hug I could give him. I made no excuses...there were none anyway. I'm sorry, I told him. He looked up at me after a couple of minutes. His eyes were still tear-filled, and it broke me. I will always forgive you, mom. I love you. Again with the undeserving forgiveness. His hug squished the breath out of me it was so tight. Who am I that I deserve this love?

I am a mommy. God made ME a mommy. He blessed me with five wonderfully made kiddos...He wants ME to teach them, to nurture them, to love them. But I don't know how, I often find myself telling him. His reply is always the same. I know, but I do. So, there it is. When my younglings are pushing me to the limit, it isn't THEM. It is me. It is my heart that shows true...all my impatience, my selfishness. That is what I teach them when I do not act as He has called me to act.

Lord, may I shine your light into the hearts of my children. May their paths be blessed because you trusted me to lead the way.

I have these little girls...amazing creatures they are. Not that my boys aren't amazing, but they are boys...old enough to not need to capture my attention with their boy-ness. But my girls...there's just something about them that melts me. Whatever the charm is can make me forget about any trouble or trial I might be facing. It's like therapy. It might only be a smile as big as the world from Bella; an "I love you" for no reason at all from my mini me Carleigh; or the beautiful eyes of Bri that let me know just how much she adores me. To them, I am something really great...and the sweet moments I get to witness daily from them make me feel as if I am everything they believe I am. God has gently nudged me for months now to slow down and drink in the little moments like these. At first, I was defiant...not deliberately so, but disobedient all the same. He showed me little by little what I have been missing by being so caught up in the J-O-B of motherhood that I was missing the blessing that motherhood truly is. As a result of my new journey, I embrace the quirks that once upset my routine...and it has given me great determination to capture some of the sweet memories I am making by camera. So...here are my girls.

This is Bri. I took a series of pictures of her as she was drifting off to sleep in the swing. This was the final one. Her little lips were moving in a sucking motion...made me want to pick her up and just squeeze her!

Bella...what do you say about a Bella? She's the coolest almost-two-year-old I know. This was her...just waking up for the day and being so sweet. She likes to play with me before she gets out of her bed everyday. I used to not take the time...I would just leave her in her bed until she was ready to get out. But now, I play. We had just played peek-a-boo with her blanket that she has to have (along with her thumb in her mouth) before she can go to sleep. She even thanks me when I give it to her! Peek-a-boo is her favorite game to play in the morning...and we have lovingly nicknamed her "Boo" as a result. I'm not sure we even call her Bella at home anymore. Even the other kids have started calling her Boo.

This is my first "Sweet Pea" Carleigh, for whom I named my photography business. Of course, there I am...can you see the resemblance? HA! Carleigh is spunky for sure. My word to describe her is sparkly. But only if it said the way she says it..."Spark-a-lee"! She likes all things sparkly...but sparkly to her can be a beautiful new haircut, which is what she thought of my new cut a few weeks back. Her response..."I want that, too!" So, I gave it to her. She doesn't know this, but if this was how she asked me, I would give her anything in the world. Carleigh challenges me in ways I never thought I would be. But at the core of all that mischief is a girl who asks me every night to sing Baby Mine to her. There was a period I didn't have time. Now, I dare not refuse her. The day just isn't complete without that song. I imagine one day she will sing that to her own sweet baby girl.

How rich am I?