you can't always go your own way

You know what I love about life?  It doesn't always go my way.  What!?  Am I crazy!?  Well, duh...but my insanity has little to do with this sweet nugget.  For most of my life, I have lived with one end purpose...to be in control.  I think about that now, and I just laugh.  The more in control I have tried to be, the more God has shown me that I simply do not have any control.  He is the grand designer.  He alone works all things together for our good...for my good.

Take relationships, for example.  They have been difficult for me for as long as I can remember.  I have issues with friendships, in particular.  Having long, lasting friendships has never ceased to be a desire of my heart, however, I have not always known how to be a friend.  I tried to force relationships to work that I thought were worthwhile.  Mostly, I just wanted to fit in somewhere.  I chased friends and even former in-laws, trying to make them like me...they were going to like me, darn it!  But I did all this at a great expense.  While I have truly loved many of the ladies whose lives I have flitted in and out of (including my former in-laws), I was willing to sin to keep them as my friends.  As long as I could keep my warts concealed, I was okay.  But we all know how that plays out, right?  Deceit always bites you in the hiney...eventually.  Even after I was no longer willing to sin to gain and keep friendships, I still sought relationships that were toxic.  I prayed for them even.  I asked God to kindle or rekindle friendships with specific ladies.  When the prayers remained unanswered, I tried to force it anyway.  Then, a few years ago, a sweet friend named Christy came into my life.  We were in a Bible study together, and I would frequently tell her about my friendship dilemmas.  Her written words still ring in my heart today..."Not all women in your life are meant to be your friends.  The Lord will bring them into your life for three purposes...so that you can be a witness, to fill a need (whether it be yours or hers), or to have a relationship.  The first two will remain for only a season, and that is the Lord's will.  The last will remain.  You will come to know the difference."  Once the Bible study was finished, Christy and I went our separate ways.  It was then that I started to learn what she meant.  At first, I would call her to try to get together.  But the time together never seemed blessed.  Christy had been there to offer me wise counsel during a time when I needed to stop seeking relationships that I hadn't seen as toxic until then.  I still see her at church from time to time.  We exchange waves, nods, or hugs.  Since then, many wise and wonderful women have become a part of my life.  Some, I already know will only be in it for a season.  Others, I know are here for the duration.  I am humbled in knowing that because I have chosen to let Him be the captain of my life's vessel that He does it all for my good.  As a result of my obedience, I am a part of many deep, beautiful friendships...the desire of my heart all along.

Today, there are still one or two broken relationships that I would love to see mended.  I still pray for those.  I accept that it is not and may never be His will for me.  So freeing to live that way.

Thank you, Lord, for the relationships you have blessed me with, no matter the duration or the purpose!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  Jeremiah 29:11-13

the sad truth?

Wait for this revelation.....


I am not perfect.

Whoa.  Are you as shocked as me?  {insert sarcasm here}

I have made many, many, many, many mistakes. Some are huge. Some are miniscule. Then there is everything in between. I have done things, said things, thought things that would make one's skin crawl. For many years, I have been the first one in line casting rocks at myself for the mistakes I have made...mistakes that I will someday have to explain to my precious, innocent children.  I expect that they will be confused and even disappointed.  I actuallly spend very little time anticipating how they are going to react, although this has been a burden I have carried before.  It wasn't until I took advice from a wise woman who speaks truth and life into my journey through motherhood that I began looking at the situation differently.  It does not matter what my children, or anyone else who is self-righteous enough to condemn me, think of me.  I was put on this earth to be the mother of the six children I was blessed with.  And yes, (hang on to your panties ladies) I said BLESSED.  Having these six beautiful souls in my life is a blessing of epic proportion.  And...God chose ME to be their mother...warts and all.  This was quite a sobering reality for me.  I had so much energy pent up in what my children would think of me once they knew "the truth".  But it was all wasted time?  What?  When it comes right down to it, the opinion of my children, my  husband, my friends, my family, my "enemies"...they do not matter in the end.  It is not my good or bad deeds that will determine my fate in the hereafter.  It is my heart and whether or not it is repentant.  It is my relationship with the Lord.  I rest in knowing that I believe in a big God.  A God who has covered my sins with the blood of His only Son.  A God who knows my heart.  A God who finds me worthy, even when others do not.

I am not perfect.  Praise Jesus, I am not perfect.  For if I was, why would I need Him?

I love the Lord.  I love my dear sweet husband.  I love ALL SIX of my wonderful little people.  Unconditionally.  Unapologetically.  Period.

the enemy

I have now had many days to mull over being led to pray for enemies.  In the days since I first posted about it, much has happened.  Some good.  Some "bad", although I don't feel anything used for God's glory can be called bad...so let's just say less than desirable.  I can say that because I at times choose to stand in opposition of the Lord...I find His will to be....well...less than desirable.  If each of us is honest, we would admit we have all felt this way at one time or another.  But back to the enemy thing...  For a while, I felt guilty for posting about my battle with enemies, but only because there were a couple of souls who felt I was referring to them in particular.  I wasn't.  Initially, I was referring to spiritual enemies...something a little more abstract, even though at times, they do have names and faces.  It just so happens that shortly after that, I had to fight a spiritual battle.  My enemy, even then, wasn't the person with whom I had conflict, but Satan.  After all, he is the one sent to steal, kill, and destroy...not the flesh and blood used as his vessel.  He was whispering to me that I am not and will never be good enough to walk in the forgiveness for which the Lord sacrificed his only son.  Everyone but you, I could hear him saying.  Everyone but you is worthy.  Wouldn't it be sweet retribution for the great adversary of humanity if I were to actually believe such rubbish?  Praise the Lord that I did not listen to those lies for long.  It was only when I remembered who I truly am in Christ that I was able to gain perspective and focus for this particular part of my prayer life.  I commit to continual prayer over the enemy...whomever it may be.

sharing my testimony

I have been in prayer for quite some time about sharing my testimony here.  I have never really shared it in its entirety, only in bits and pieces as it has become necessary.  I ask that you also be in prayer with me about how to reveal my story while also protecting the pillars and obstacles (positive and negative people) who are intertwined with my testimony.  I have already begun to write it down, and I will begin to share it in pieces starting very soon.  Thank you for reading, encouraging me, and for praying.